Top Scientists Warn--Moonbat Extinction "Inevitable"

Barely two months ago, America boasted over 57 million moonbats. But then came November 2nd, and the swift and sudden singularity turning several formerly blue states red--killing nearly every Moonbat.

The resulting temperature and pressure increase, with a locus circling Terry McAuliffe's shirt collar, first triggered a week-long massive Moonbat migration toward nearby cliffs, where the strange creatures marched lemming-like to extinction. Then just as the first wave of so-called "Moonbat madness" began to ebb, the dreadful disease leapt the species barrier. By mid November, several related species from Minneapolis all the way to Hollywood developed the same symptoms. According to "Reuters" "industry" "experts," the final body-count for stricken journalists may never be known, in light of the unresolved dispute about whether CBS News Anchor Dan Rather actually died two months before the powerful plague first took hold.

By last weekend, only two moonbats remained, and that because of the unseasonably mild weather in New England. Though normally resistant to captivity, the two survivors, Ian Harrington and Heleni Thayre of the Coalition Against Election Fraud, have hardly moved from their perch outside one of Senator John F. Kerry's smaller nests, in Louisburg Square, Boston. It is not known whether these "last of the Moonbats" might be a mating pair.


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Explanations differ as to why the sole surviving Moonbats were in Boston. The Moonbats themselves claimed to want to persuade Kerry to oppose approval of the Electoral College results on January 6. However, noting their deteriorating appearance, and the ever-worsening weather conditions, it has been suggested that the Moonbats may have "imprinted" Senator Kerry's crane-like figure during Kerry's own odyssey that--perhaps not coincidently--ended on the very day the faithful Moonbat slaughter began.

Like past tragedies, the clear winner will be science. Grant applications have skyrocketed, generating critical infrastructure shortages already slowing delivery of white lab coats, pocket protectors and male rape prevention glasses (RPGs). Despite the disruptions, researchers are confident they will soon gain a deeper understanding of the bug, and hunt for a cure. Interviewed by Iowahawk, scientist Martin Knudson of Scripps Oceanic Institute's Centre for the Promotion of the Passive Voice (PVC) has confirmed progress to date: "At this point, the data suggest that the weight of more than 50 million dead Moonbats fractured geological fault lines stretching half-way around the world, generating an undersea quake that formed the tsunami that has claimed the lives of at least 150,000 others. Because it's all connected, ya know? The planet, I mean."

Despite the triple tragedy, Knudson's confident, "We've ramped up to a rate of 15 grant proposals per day, not counting efforts to obtain private funding from billionaire George Soros," said the waxy-lipped lanky researcher. "Unfortunately, no one has been able to find Soros since the epidemic began,” said Knudson, but predicted it was "inevitable that we'll be able to find the elusive" billionare before current cash flow ran dry. Knudson did not rule out a rumored investment by Benon Sevan, the recently retired executive director of the U.N.'s Oil for Food program.