Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Mr. Freeze

IowaHawk decodes a message from Waxulon-6, Lord High Admiral of the Kremulakian Earth Invaders, The Being Formerly Known as Congressman Henry Waxman (D-CA):
Attention Hu-Mans:

Mark your time! Behold the current heat readings of your atmosphere, which have now reached less than negative 40 in your Earth-degrees. Phase I of the Kremulakian conquest of your filthy pitiful orb is complete!

Foolish Hu-Mans, did you not suspect? It is now far too late for resistance. The planetary reign of the invincible Ice Beings of Kremulak can not be stopped, and thus I can now reveal all. And taunt your Earth-foolishness with delicious impunity! Ha ha ha!

When our scientist first discovered your planet 6.3 Kremulakian moon-orbits ago, I argued before the High Admiralty that it would be a suitable world for conquest and colonization. The Inner Council accused me of madness! They said we Kremulaks could never survive in your stupid planet's hostile hot temperatures. They said our nostrils would mutate and explode under your intense atmospheric pressures. They said that Hu-mans would never vote us into their control councils.

Fools! I wagered Supreme Overlord Gromfnorg-0 himself that not only would I survive, but that I would win quick election to your Earth Commerce and Energy committee -- without even using my visual cloaking device! Little did he know that I, Lord Waxulon-6, had been carefully monitoring your Earth-frequencies and Earth-internet and Earth-basic cable news, and had discovered the outpost which you Hu-Mans call "San Francisco." Needless to say, my little bet has paid off handsomely -- winning me over 6000 Kremulakian trading crystals.

Victory over your puny race was even easier than I anticipated.
Read the whole thing.

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