Kerry's Flip-Flops Explained

John Kerry's frequent flip-flops are well documented. Kerry has reversed himself on dozens of important issues, including invading Iraq, the morality of Vietnam Vets, reducing troop levels in Europe and Korea, the Patriot Act, the death penalty, and welfare reform. Kerry's even been on both sides of trivial questions, such as his ancestry and using home movies from Vietnam in his campaign.

Kerry's constantly evolving perspectives are "one gigantic mess." This suggests the Senator has more ambition than principle. Moreover, Kerry's shifting sands make it difficult to identify his position on any given question, and defy attempts to predict what might happen should he win.

Until now. I've discovered the key--his views have a seven day periodicity, meaning Kerry's multiple positions return and repeat after a week. So, as a public service, here is a guide to Kerry's "nuance spin cycle," and his take on any given question:

• Sunday: I support it.



• Monday: I oppose it.



• Tuesday: First I voted for it, then I voted against it.



• Wednesday: First I voted against it, then I voted for it.



• Thursday: NOT(President Bush's position).



• Friday: My position was "seared--seared--in me" during a Christmas eve 1968 incursion into Cambodia.



• Saturday: "Oceania was at war with Eastasia: Oceania had always been at war with Eastasia."