Democratic Party Acquired

To be Merged Into Anti-America, Inc.

by No Oil for Pacifists
Dateline: December 10

(Washington, DC) - The Democratic Party, the oldest political organization in America, is going out of business. Last night, MoveOn announced it had completed a tender offer for Dem. Inc. and expected to close the deal on February 12, 2005.

MoveOn, a left-wing pacifist '527' organization, acquired a minority interest in the Democrats earlier this year. However, Democrats initially rejected an offer from MoveOn's wholly-owned subsidiary, Howard Dean, after the Party grew concerned about Dean's managerial talents. Democrats instead hired as CEO John Kerry, who claimed to be "ready for duty." Though Kerry presented himself as a "white knight," his late-60s-vintage corporate strategies, proved him more of a "dark horse." Ultimately, the market lost confidence in Kerry, prompting Dean to launch a hostile takeover.

MoveOn, says Peter Beinhart, is considered:

"the most important political advocacy group in Democratic circles," boasts more than 1.5 million members and raised a remarkable $40 million for the 2004 election. . . MoveOn's frequent bulletins . . . convey the same basic hostility to U.S. power [and] have largely lost interest in any agenda for fighting terrorism at all.

Experts were unsure that new management would be able to attract new customers, especially among the young and Latinos. Founded in 1792 by Thomas Jefferson, the company's suffered ten-year slide in market-share. Though MoveOn plans cost-cutting measures, the only change announced so far is closing loss-making operations in the South and mid-West.

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